I found Elana Johson's blog and a post about writing queries. She has a post where she advises writing your query in the voice of your protagonist, tense or person - just get the words out. Then, after you've done that, change it to third person present.
So, I took her advice and re-wrote my query and I think it's much better. It may still need more work, but I think I'm on the right track.
Here's the updated query:
Honour and scandal collide and the truth of history is definitely stranger than the fiction of myth in Antigone: The True Story.
Antigone is the famous daughter of an infamous father, Oedipus. Yes, the Oedipus. The one that Freud named a whole complex after. The one who killed his father and married his mother then stuck brooches in his own eyes in a rampage of shame and horror. However, being a dutiful daughter, Antigone leaves her home, her life in Thebes, her sister, and even the boy she loves, to lead her self-blinded and thoroughly disgraced father around Greece until his death.
The poets say that is Antigone's story, but there's more. At sixteen the gods start manipulating Antigone in her dreams, the snakes talk to her, and she finds herself blessed in a cursed family. While struggling to understand her gifts, Antigone learns that she is powerful, summoning ancient forces to heal the sick in a time of plague. However, when the Olympian gods' fickle whims ravage through her life like a whirlwind, devastating everything Antigone holds dear, she is forced to choose between living a lie or embracing her destiny.
Antigone: The True Story is a young adult fantasy complete at 65,000 words and is the first of a planned trilogy. I like to think of it as Sophocles' ancient Greek Oedipus plays meeting Kristin Cashore's Graceling.
What do you think? Do you have any query writing advice? Do you have a great query?